Yesterday I shared with you all that after my brother passed away I started writing letters to him as a way to ease the pain of missing him. I published the first one yesterday which I wrote a little less than a month after he passed away. Today I am sharing the second one I wrote on October 1, 2009.
Its been a a few months since you left us but I still find myself thinking about you every day. I keep feeling like you are going to call me or show up at my door just in time to see the fights. I miss every aspect of you sir, and yeah that even means when you were being an ass. I think about all the laughs, fights, cries, close calls, injuries, and even all the boring moments we shared as brothers. My heart breaks even more than it already is when I realize that all I have left is those memories. Before you died, I never realized how much you have influenced, and been a part of my life. Nothing feels the same with out you here to share it with me. Every band you ever introduced me to doesn’t sound the same, the food you taught me how to cook doesn’t taste the same, the jokes you told me just don’t seem to have the same punchline, and all the movies we watched together just don’t seem to end the same way. It tears me apart to know that I will never be able to share any of those moments with you again. I know that people will tell me that you are still here with me and that you are a part of everything I do but that’s not good enough sir. I want you here in person to laugh at all the stupid things I do and to relish in the amazing memories that we could still be sharing. I really wish you could have seen our younger brother get married, I know that you would have been so proud of him. Charlie and I talk all the time and we always end up talking about you. We both can’t get through a night with out seeing you every time we close our eyes. If there was ever one silver lining to this horrible dark cloud its that Charlie and I are closer than ever. We both lost our older brother and I can only hope that I can fill some small void in his life and give him someone to look up to like I had in you. I hate that Charlie, Andy, Ryan, Crystal, and I only had, in the grand scheme of things, a very short time with you. There will never be anyone that will mean as much to all of us as you did. There are times that I sit alone and can’t even comprehend that you’re gone and then it will hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish that when I thought about you I could sit back, laugh, and remember all the great times but no matter how hard I try the laughter always turns into tears and it takes hours to pick up the broken pieces of my heart. I know I have to be strong and realize that you’re not coming back but its very hard to d0. You were the greatest man I, and so many others have ever, and will ever know. I love you more than life itself and I will never forget what you have always meant to me and how you helped shape my life to what it is know.
I love you,
Your “Amazing Flying Mayo” Brother,